The worm that turned

My boy has had a rough time at school lately, mostly his own doing, not doing the right thing, opening his mouth when it might have been better to keep it shut!

I wasn't too worried about it. It seemed low level, normal 11 year old boy behaviour.

Worry began when I was told that my boy had been bullying another boy at school. I didn't believe it!

My boy, who had spent his first 6 years at school, underachieving, unhappy, and bullied for his red, curly hair and beautiful pale freckled skin. 

I tried to go into denial tried to convince myself it must be a mistake, they must have mixed him up with another boy but the evidence was presented to me via CCTV!

Devastating! Why? Why? That's all I could say to the teachers, Why? This isn't my boys normal behaviour....

The teachers disagreed. The behaviour my boy displayed outside of school is not the same behaviour the teachers experienced from my boy in school.

At home my boy is respectful, kind, caring, sensitive with a strong sense of right and wrong. He's no angel, he can be naughty or throw the occasional 'hissy' if he doesn't get his own way but it is dealt and over with quickly with an apology, explanation from both him and me and then we carry on.

I think it is a case of the 'worm that turned'. My boy is more confident with his academic studies, he has become popular with his peers and physically he has become stronger - result doing to others what had once been done to him.

Once I had got my mind away from denial I began to think about action.

How to make this right?

First, panic take away his privileges, cancel Christmas, boxing, he trains at a boxing club a few times a week, obviously that wasn't working so no more of that.

Calming down and reflecting on what had happened and why. I realised I needed to take an objective standpoint.

In a two parent - well functioning - family you can have the soft and hard parent, the good cop bad cop, the rational and irrational.

In a one parent family - well functioning or otherwise, you are it! You are the one that has to be both good bad, soft hard, rational irrational!

I needed to get this right if I was going to continue to support my son to grow into the well balanced adult I know he is capable of becoming. Secure in his abilities, confident high self esteem not having the need to 'prove' himself through negative activities.

I have listed a few actions I took to deal with my sons negative behaviour and at the same time improving his confidence, self esteem and belief in him-self.

• Changed class - the victim and his parents needed to know action had been taken and that their child was in a safe environment - my boy needed to understand the consequences of his actions.
• Letter - My boy wrote a letter of apology to the boy and his parents, whilst it does not change what my boy did. It showed them that my boy is remorseful and is taking responsibility for his actions. I also wrote a letter to the boys parents to let them know what action I had taken and to give them reassurance.
• Communication - I am in daily contact with school, either face to face, telephone or email. To monitor my boys behaviour and to make sure we (teachers and myself) are all on the same page in how we are managing my boys behaviour.
• Video Games/Computer/TV Although I monitor my boys use of these things I have taken away his PSP, and Computer as a sanction and have put a low time limit on the amount of TV he can watch.
• Boxing - I have explained the situation (much to my boys embarrassment) to my boys trainers at boxing, who were as shocked as I that my boy was capable of bullying someone. They are now working with my boy on how to channel his fighting skills in an appropriate arena and manner. They have also put conditions on him been able to attend the boxing training sessions.
• Love - My boy needs to know that I love him unconditionally. Although he understands I do not like his behaviour and that I am disappointed with his recent actions and choices. I still do and always will love and support him.

My boy has been given sanctions and punishments I have tried to keep the lines of communications open between us. I have given my boy opportunities, when we are both calm and relaxed to express his feelings and thoughts to me without any negative reactions. He has allowed me to express my thoughts and feelings without any negative reactions. This has enabled us both to reflect on what has happened and why. It has helped us both come to terms with what has happened, to learn from it and to be able to move forward from this negative experience in a positive way.

I am not sure if I am doing the right things, it is hard when you are a lone parent because you don't have a partner to share and to support you.
I do know my boy looks a lot happier than he has over the last few weeks. I don't think the bullying thing was making him happy, but he was desperate to try and prove himself to his peers.
He got it wrong but he is working hard right now to get it right.